I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
