I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
