i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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