Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize