im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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