So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
