well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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