Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Less talking, more tequila
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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