My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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