I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
