Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
