dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
