I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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