Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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