and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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