Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize