sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
me + whiskey = a bad person
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
