Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
