Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
