I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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