dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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