the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We're too hungover to prance.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
