she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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