Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
