we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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