I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize