how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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