I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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