somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
