So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
