I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
