Need sex. Gaining weight.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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