after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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