i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you traded sex for a burrito?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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