He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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