I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
