Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
