it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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