I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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