I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
