my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
