The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
