Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
