It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
