my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
