all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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