Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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