you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
