he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So. Much. Porn.
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