Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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