Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
