he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
