Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
