I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
