My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
