come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
